Pit Bull Mauls Baby

Faithful readers of my blog also know of my YouTube videos. I always appreciate whenever you guys follow the links to check out my latest entries. It warms my heart. Really.
However, like all great media whores, I lusted after more recognition than I was getting from just my core fan base. I was completely jealous when the video I posted of my friend from Coney Island got way more "hits" than any of my videos. More than all of my videos combined, actually. I went into a funk. I followed that up with a downward spiral, first into a deep well of self-pity, followed quickly by full immersion into a steaming vat of self-loathing. (Crazy, right?)
Luckily, my therapist, "MC", got me to understand that the problem wasn’t with me at all. "Let’s be honest", she opined, "you’re as bitchin’ as you’ve always been!" "True", I thought, but what was it, then? Why "Coney Island Dog Throws Up" and not "Roxanne Goes For A Ride"?
The answer was staring me in the face. Let’s set the scene, shall we…?

INTERIOR: SEMI-FINISHED BASEMENT, CONVERTED TO BEDROOM - DAY
Disheveled twenty-something dude sits at juvenile-furniture-style desk in front of a flickering computer screen. Red Bull cans litter the room. Sun-faded Farah Fawcett poster hangs on the wall above. An obviously newly-purchased Fantastic Four Silver Surfer action figure prominently displayed so as to be seen in webcam’s viewfinder. Warrant’s "Cherry Pie" blasts from his earbuds…
WEB SURFER DUDE
(mutters to himself)
"Let’s see… "How To Build a Pipe Bomb", nah. "Reverend Wright and The White Devil", who’s that? "Roxanne Goes For A Ride", booooring… "Coney Island Dog Throws Up", yo, dude, CHECK IT OUT!"


I’d found the answer. I quickly changed some of the titles of my videos. I abandoned the cutesy "Roxanne…" theme in favor of the more crowd pleasing "Pit Bull…" motif. "Roxanne and Her Chicken" became "Pit Bull Mauls Chicken". "Roxanne and Her Baby"? You guessed it—"Pit Bull Mauls Baby"!
Some of you are groaning right about now. That’s OK. I understand. But oh, my! how the number of hits has skyrocketed! "Roxanne and Her Baby" had 50 hits, tops. "Pit Bull Mauls Baby" – over 3 THOUSAND hits and counting! I know, you think it’s wrong to mislead those poor troglodytes who while away long hours in their parents’ basements surfing for a good mauling, but screw them, baby! I’m gettin’ hits!!
It’s interesting to read some of the comments posted to the newly re-named videos, too. Guys who’d found my videos ONLY because they’d searched using "Pit Bull Mauls…" as a keyphrase are leaving comments about how wrong it is for me to eat a baby’s face…
C’mon everyone. Say it with me. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…
Ready… One… Two… Three…
"… I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!"

(No Actual Babies Were Harmed For This Post)

ARC of the Covenant (and By-Laws)

Most everyone who’s ever met me knows that I’m really quite a sweet girl. A lot of people who don’t know me but just see me walking down the street tend to cross to the other side just to avoid me. I guess I’m OK with that. I mean, the "visual deterrent" aspect of being a pit bull does come in handy as Dad pretends to restrain me from attacking a group of young hoodlems every now and again.
If I were vicious, though, I think I’d save up my unbridled rage and unleash my 1500 lbs. per-square-inch-strong jaws in the direction of the Architectural Review Committee (ARC) and the Board of Trustees here where we live.
Mom and Dad had their hearing with the Board to appeal the decision of the ARC to enforce their arbitrary rule against window boxes. They’d been going back and forth (by letter) for quite some time, but this was their big face to face showdown. Dad prepared a presentation pointing out the inconsistencies of their rules manual (the boxes were only "prohibited" after we put them up) and used their own mission statement to point out how window boxes "enhanced amenities and preserved property values" and "contributed to making our community a more pleasant" place. Mom was optimistic about the hearing. She knew that the ARC was a misguided group of anal retentive, power-obsessed, student-council-president-wanna-be’s (think Tracy Flick in Election) but she also knew that our argument was iron clad. The presentation included pictures of our beautiful boxes (in bloom, of course) and even showed a window box on a house like ours from another Renaissance community.
Going in, Mom thought that any reasonable group of people who’d been elected to make rational, reasoned, informed decisions for the entire community would see the error of the ARC’s ways and rule in our favor. Dad, on the other hand, didn’t share her optimism. He’d been dealing with this situation for a while and hadn’t told Mom of the bad feeling he had. The storm clouds were gathering thicker every time he’d spoken to the Community Manager, Tyler. Tyler was in agreement with us but is basically just the office manager for the community. He’s also responsible for sending out the violation letters. He’d been sharing some inside dirt on the workings of the Board, about how they’re inherently lazy and how they let the ARC do all the work. In exchange, the Board basically rubber-stamps decisions made by the ARC.
I’m BORING you, right? I know. Sorry. I'll stop now...

All I know is, the hearing put my Mom in the hospital!

To be continued…

Happy Birthday To Me!

I celebrated my birthday this past Sunday, Mother's Day. It's the day Mom & Dad have "designated" as my special day. They've assigned Mother's Day to me because, as you know, they found me on the street (in front of a PetSmart, actually) and nobody knows when my real birthday is.

The adoption papers went through pretty near Mother's Day in 2002 and I was also really saggy after having pumped out a bunch of puppies, so the Mother's Day commemoration seemed a good tie-in.


This year's celebration was kinda special for me. It was about a year ago that I began showing the symptoms of what would eventually turn out to be my malignant melanoma. Untreated, I wouldn't have made it to my Dad's birthday in July of last year, statistically speaking. I knew I would, though. I just love birthdays!

I got to eat a Frosty Paws, which is an ice cream-like concoction for dogs. Yum! This video doesn't really capture the essence of my joy, but it'll do.


How old am I, you ask? Shame on you. A lady never reveals her age.


Besides, how the hell should I know!?!?

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Spring is nigh! Green pee in the mornin' ta ya!

"Today?", replied the boy. "Why, Christmas Day."

"I haven't missed it."

We've been in the new house for a year now, a year ago yesterday, actually. Mom and Dad keep saying that this year went by so fast and that they still can't believe that it's been more than two since they first got it into their heads that they'd be able to buy this place.

They hired a guy, Gerry, to paint the whole house and it was fun for me 'cause he'd bring his puppy, Duncan, with him once in a while. I liked playing with him (and with his super-cool velcro-covered soccer ball), but I didn't much care for getting blamed for his "accidents". Gerry implicated me in the "Laundry Room Incident", but I don't think Dad believed it for a minute. If my Dad was anything like his Dad, he'd have had the belt off his pants, makin' like Buddy Rich on my backside before you could say "scarred for life".

I've had quite a year, myself. I won't go over the details again in this posting, though. I know how it makes some people scared and others just sad, but it's not such a depressing tale of woe, really. I'm having a great time! Mom and Dad got a tree (my first) and I got to open a few presents early! (They weren't home and the presents weren't really for me, but, hey, if they're on the floor--they're mine!) I even have a Christmas video on YouTube...

Mom and Dad said that since I've been such a good girl, Santa will come tonight. (I hope they left his name at the guard shack). I suppose a velcro-covered soccer ball might be nice, but Santa, if you happen to read my blog, just between you and me, we already have everything we could ever want...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

What About Me?

I'd overheard Mom & Dad talking about how they were going to go away for another long weekend before the end of the summer. Actually, I snooped Mom's history on AOL and figured out that they were planning a trip to Ithaca, NY. It's a quaint college town nestled up in the foothills in the Finger Lakes region. It's got small town charm energized by a large student population from Cornell University and Ithaca College, rustic B&B's, good restaurants and BLAH,BLAH, FREAKIN' BLAH...

Hey, what about ME??!!!

Now, you all know that I'm not the complaining type, but geez, yet another jolt of radiation and right back into the kennel for another swell weekend of concrete smackin' good times! Come On!

I put my foot down and demanded that they do something for me for a change. Mom thought that it sounded like a good idea, but Dad asked "Do you think all the money I've spent on radiation and vaccines was for ME?" Since I'd finished the last of the treatments a few days before all of this came up, I felt emboldened enough to join Mom in "laughing him off". Looking back, I don't really remember anyone laughing...


When Mom asked me where I wanted to go for my special day, I could think of only one place -- Coney Island. I'd been dreaming of the day when I could relive my mispent youth by hanging out on the boardwalk, drinking beer from a can hidden in a paper bag, getting wasted and going for a ride on the Wonder Wheel. They agreed to take me, but Dad said that I couldn't have any beer because of my meds and that he would get drunk for the both of us. I clearly remember Mom NOT laughing at that.


Boy, did we have a swell time. I put on my "Pits For Peace" shirt and strolled the boardwalk for a while. A few people even stopped to take my picture! The live-human-target "Shoot The Freak" paintball attraction was closed (bummer), so we headed to Deno's Wonder Wheel Amusement Park. I went on the Bumper Cars and the Spook House Ride and tried to win some stuffed animals at the "One In Wins" stand. After we noshed a few red hots at Nathan's, we all went up for a ride on the Wonder Wheel! It's a really tall, really cool, 85+ year old Ferris Wheel, but I wasn't scared at all!
You can see for miles from up there! The wide beach and ocean, Brighton Beach, the New York Aquarium, the Cyclone roller coaster, soon to close Astroland Amusement Park, the old Parachute Drop ride... even Manhattan! Come along for the ride with me!





We were up so high up and were having so much fun that, even if for just a few spins around that big old wheel, it felt as if we were soaring far away from all the sad things we'd left on the ground. And hey, you know, from waaay up there, everything looks a million miles away...

Still Here...

Alberto Gonzales? -- gone. Tony Snow -- gone. Karl Rove -- gone. Roxanne Murtagh?-- still here!

You, the loyal readers of this blog, seem well aware of my medical condition. You know that I was diagnosed with cancer and that I've had to undergo a course of radiation treatments and vaccinations that have taken a toll on my delicate Pit Bull constitution. Could one of you PLEASE inform my parents??? They did it to me again. They once again decided to go on vacation in the middle of my health crisis and toss me into a kennel. Oh, that's right, I forgot -- "Don't get sick in the summer!" Two vacations within the month? What are they all of a sudden -- FRENCH?

This time they went on a short trip to, of all places, The Adirondack mountains. Now, I understand the 'Dacks are beautiful and all, but let's face it, when you think of my parents (not that you do, but if you had to), images of them hiking through the woods, "bagging peaks", canoeing and rock climbing don't automatically spring into view. More likely, and rightly so, this is the appropriate picture. They accepted a gracious offer from some friends to join them at a house they'd rented in "the middle of nowhere" (Dad's words). It was pointed out to them that while the house was situated on an unpaved road that was a turnoff from yet another unpaved road, it was closer to "the edge" of nowhere than the middle of it. I think Mom and Dad felt a little more at ease after hearing this -- until they were told of the recent Black Bear sightings, that is.

Here's a short video that was taken on one of the ledges on Pitchoff Mountain.

Dad went on the hike.

Mom went to the Art Fair.

Hungry after the hike (and the Art Fair), everyone gathered around the kitchen and dining room for a lot of great food... Leila's mini BLT's, Emily's appetizers and Marnie's corn salad and whole wheat fruit tarts (two separate items) were highlights. RR's breakfasts of apple pancakes, french toast and cheesy omelets were amazing -- so I'm told. So I'm told, because while they were relaxing up in the mountains, I was in North Plainfield freakin' New Jersey contracting Kennel Cough from that annoying Pomeranian in the next "suite". Suite? A quarter-inch thick, placemat-sized, artificial-lambswool-throw-rug and something called an "elimination patio" isn't exactly what I'd imagined a suite to be. ("Excuse me, Massimo, which way to the spa, per favore?)

Enough about them. As for me, I went for my last radiation treatment a couple of days after they got back. I think the combination of my being overly tired from the kennel coupled with the expected cumulative effect of the treatments left me kinda wiped out. I wasn't hungry (apparently a major cause for concern) and for reasons I won't go into, was put on a regimen of Pepto-Bismol and Immodium.

Thankfully, after a worrysome few days, I started eating again and was back to my "regular" habit of eliminating, not on the patio, but on the edge of the Bear-free woods just across the paved street in front of my very own house.

Patios, if you ask me, are best left for BBQ's and beer...