However, like all great media whores, I lusted after more recognition than I was getting from just my core fan base. I was completely jealous when the video I posted of my friend from Coney Island got way more "hits" than any of my videos. More than all of my videos combined, actually. I went into a funk. I followed that up with a downward spiral, first into a deep well of self-pity, followed quickly by full immersion into a steaming vat of self-loathing. (Crazy, right?)Luckily, my therapist, "MC", got me to understand that the problem wasn’t with me at all. "Let’s be honest", she opined, "you’re as bitchin’ as you’ve always been!" "True", I thought, but what was it, then? Why "Coney Island Dog Throws Up" and not "Roxanne Goes For A Ride"?
The answer was staring me in the face. Let’s set the scene, shall we…?
INTERIOR: SEMI-FINISHED BASEMENT, CONVERTED TO BEDROOM - DAY
Disheveled twenty-something dude sits at juvenile-furniture-style desk in front of a flickering computer screen. Red Bull cans litter the room. Sun-faded Farah Fawcett poster hangs on the wall above. An obviously newly-purchased Fantastic Four Silver Surfer action figure prominently displayed so as to be seen in webcam’s viewfinder. Warrant’s "Cherry Pie" blasts from his earbuds…
WEB SURFER DUDE
(mutters to himself)
"Let’s see… "How To Build a Pipe Bomb", nah. "Reverend Wright and The White Devil", who’s that? "Roxanne Goes For A Ride", booooring… "Coney Island Dog Throws Up", yo, dude, CHECK IT OUT!"
I’d found the answer. I quickly changed some of the titles of my videos. I abandoned the cutesy "Roxanne…" theme in favor of the more crowd pleasing "Pit Bull…" motif. "Roxanne and Her Chicken" became "Pit Bull Mauls Chicken". "Roxanne and Her Baby"? You guessed it—"Pit Bull Mauls Baby"!
Some of you are groaning right about now. That’s OK. I understand. But oh, my! how the number of hits has skyrocketed! "Roxanne and Her Baby" had 50 hits, tops. "Pit Bull Mauls Baby" – over 3 THOUSAND hits and counting! I know, you think it’s wrong to mislead those poor troglodytes who while away long hours in their parents’ basements surfing for a good mauling, but screw them, baby! I’m gettin’ hits!!
It’s interesting to read some of the comments posted to the newly re-named videos, too. Guys who’d found my videos ONLY because they’d searched using "Pit Bull Mauls…" as a keyphrase are leaving comments about how wrong it is for me to eat a baby’s face…
C’mon everyone. Say it with me. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…
Ready… One… Two… Three…
"… I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!"
1 comment:
Now, Roxanne, I know you want hits and all that stuff, but honestly, mauling a baby seems beneath such a fine lady as you. I do have to admit, your holding the head in your mouth was quite comical. Don't drag yourself down with all the other "pits" who are the pits.....you are way too well bred for antics like that.
Post a Comment